Why Married People Have The Best Sex, According To Psychotherapist
Don’t waste your time trying to ‘rekindle the magic’
by RACHEL HOSIE
Rom-coms would have us believe that our main goal in life should be finding ‘the one.’ And once you’ve found them, you have to pin them down by tying the knot.
And that’s usually where the story ends. But what happens after you walk down the aisle and say your vows?
Society may have us believe that all the passion will drain away from your relationship, but it turns out getting married could actually lead to the best sex of your life.
According to psychotherapist and couples’ sex expert Esther Perel, marriage is when your sex life really begins.
“[Your sex life] doesn’t end when you take your vows,” she told audiences at last month’s Goop wellness summit. “This is when the story starts.”
Whilst in the early stages of a relationship, sex is often spontaneous, Perel says after marriage it becomes more of a “creative enterprise,” but that’s no bad thing.
Many couples believe it’s essential to try and “rekindle the flame” or “recapture the magic” of when they first got together, but Perel believes that’s an error, even though “the romantic ideology is tenacious,” she says.
The fact of the matter is, it’s impossible to recreate the feelings you both had when first getting to know each other, so it’s a waste of time trying. full story
Limerence Has Its Purpose But Can’t Be Reclaimed
Limerence is a state of being “madly in love’ to the point that it becomes obsessive and affects the way a person feels, acts, and thinks. Many of us experienced this “state of being,” before marrying our spouse. It’s a good thing, according to relationship expert, Dr. Joe Beam, because it puts intense focus on the other person for a time so that marriage, children, and close attachment can happen. If we didn’t feel the intense feelings associated with limerence, we might not be motivated enough to marry that person.
But limerence with your spouse is a one-time event according to Dr. Beam. It doesn’t come back for that person after it’s run its course. So we should be realistic and understand that chasing it is futile, will likely lead to frustration, and could lead to affairs where limerence is being chased instead of a person or love. Rather, we should focus on the positives of marriage that cannot occur in purely limerence-based relationships. Those positives include commitment, memories, family, future, “home,” and better sex than most single people experience. Why? Because married people often become experts at sexually satisfying their spouse. Practice can make perfect and, in the case of marriage, sex usually becomes more sophisticated and complex compared to sex between non-married individuals.
So embrace the power of married sex and don’t chase the temporary highs of limerence.
ALSO SEE: Sexual Rejection’s Effect On A Marriage
ALSO SEE: How To Stop A Sexless Marriage
21 Irresistible Recipes for Couples is exactly what you’re looking for, if …
* You and your spouse have a great marriage but desire to grow even closer;
* You and your spouse are struggling and need help recapturing the “magic”;
* You have never been married and want to know the key success factors for a “forever” relationship;
* You have been married and want to better understand where things went wrong so you can prepare for a new future with love and commit;
* You have a friend or family member who has a struggling marriage and you want to offer them a fast-paced, easy-to-read book with marriage helps.
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