Is Your Spouse Gone and You Don’t Know Why?
Is your spouse emotionally disengaged or maybe even physically gone? Have you tried searching to figure out what you can do to bring your spouse back or make your spouse want to be in your marriage at all anymore, only to find yourself completely overwhelmed?
I understand. I’ve worked with thousands of marriages and my courses have been taken by hundreds of thousands of people so I have some insight into how you can takes steps to bringing your spouse back.
What Doesn’t Work
If you go to Google and type in “what to do to save a marriage” or “what to do to bring a spouse back,” the amount of information is colossal. A lot of it contradicts another, and if you try to implement some from here and some from there, then you’ll find yourself frustrated and probably back at square one.
So stick to one expert’s or counselor’s guidance. Avoid mixing and meshing philosophies when possible.
First, Ask Your Spouse To Tell You Why He/She Wants Out Of The Marriage.
You must listen without judgment or arguing. Listen to understand and not to debate. It is vital that your spouse feels that he/she can be honest with you without being punished or attacked. If sharing how he/she feels with you becomes to stressful, it will stop. If it already has, you must convince your spouse that you will listen to understand and not to argue. Be calm and patient as you are trying to convince your spouse to share with you.
Second, Commit To Your Spouse That You Will Try To Change And Improve Your Part In The Issue They Have Stated.
Again, do not argue with your spouse about it. Ask clarifying questions but do not ask them in order to set your spouse up to make your own point. There will be times in the future when you may share, but right now your spouse is not in the mindset to hear those things and the type of healing needed won’t come from that at the moment.
Ask Your Spouse If He/She Will Stay Or Come Back Based On Your Commitment To Work On The Issues That Are Pushing Him/Her Away.
Be kind and non-confrontational when you request this of your spouse. Be prepared for them to reject your request. It is not crucial that they agree to stay at this point. What is necessary is for your spouse to see that you have listened to them and offered to change so that you stop hurting them. As time moves forward, your spouse will remember this and it’s possible their heart will be softened to the point of them returning to the marriage.
Don’t think in terms of hitting a home run or in terms of leaping all the way up the stairs. Saving your marriage and bringing your spouse back usually takes many small steps rather than one giant leap. Each step sets in motion the opening of your spouse’s heart and mind. Be patient with them and as they see this and believe that you are going to continue to be that way, you will further improve the chances that your spouse will want to come back to your marriage.
If your spouse is in an affair, it’s likely because of a psychological term called limerence, which is the feeling of being madly in love with another person. Often someone in limerence can’t see any flaws in the person they are having the affair with but the flaws in their spouse are magnified.
If this sounds familiar, the process outlined in this article is a good place to get started. You would also be likely to benefit from marriage coaching as it helps you to achieve specific goals in your relationship.
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