What Do I Do If I Don’t Trust My Husband?

fixing a marriageTrust is one of the most significant hallmarks of any relationship; if you cannot trust your other half, how can you grow and flourish in your marriage?

Whether the trust between a married couple was broken and both parties know the reason, or there is suspicion of an affair happening and it has not yet been proven, living with that giant elephant in the room between the two can be difficult on a daily basis and can cause a rift in the marriage that may not be able to be mended.

An Example:

There is a woman, let’s call her Kate, who is married to Greg. Greg works in a different city during the weekdays and is only in town with his wife and two young children on the weekends—this has been going on for a long while.

Kate and Greg’s short time together every weekend is not bad; actually, it is wonderful and they have a fun time together with the kids and their alone time seems special.

Here’s the caveat:

Greg has had an affair in the past, shortly before taking the position out of town, and Kate’s trust has never fully recovered from this discovery.

Greg told her that he would like to try to work things out, but he’s not yet fully able to reconcile for whatever reason.

This created suspicion in Kate’s mind, especially since Greg doesn’t contact her or the children during the weekdays—no calls, no texts, no emails.

Kate finds all of this extremely odd and worrisome and begins to think of all the things that could be happening:

Greg could be continuing the affair and lying about going out of town.

What if he is out of town but is living an entirely new life with his mistress?

I suppose he could be telling the truth about working out of town and maybe there is no mistress—maybe he is just very busy with things and has a lot on his plate.

But…why is it so difficult to just pick up the phone and check on me and the kids?

Surely he has 15 minutes.

Regardless of what is actually going on, Kate doesn’t fully know the truth, so she can only go off her perception from what she knows now and what her experiences have been in the past with Greg.

Always wondering has caused her to become drained emotionally and physically and the stress is taking a toll on her life and her relationship with the children.

If Kate wants to move on from this, she needs to figure out what she ultimately wants and how she is going to go about achieving that.

Does she want to catch him in a lie and then divorce him?

Should she confront him by telling him her suspicions and lack of trust?

What about an ultimatum?

All routes will be tough, but in the end, she will hopefully know the truth and can move on with her life in whatever way she chooses.

Let’s say Kate decides to hire a private investigator to check out what is going on with her husband in the other city.

She wants evidence so that she can move on, but will she be ready for what the investigation may bring to light?

She may discover that Greg is innocent and is simply very busy with his career. What if Greg finds out that she is spying on him and doesn’t trust her husband?

She also needs to think about the repercussions of this possibility.

If she is not wanting to fully leave him and he finds out about the private investigators, he just may want to leave her all together.

After all, not being trusted certainly doesn’t build intimacy – in fact, it rips it down.

This is a tricky situation; so what does she do if she doesn’t trust him?

Remember that Greg has not fully reconciled with Kate since the past affair, yet does come home and attend to his wife and children during the weekends like business as usual.

Kate’s marriage coach suggests “limited contact.”

Since Greg is on the fence about continuing the marriage and Kate would like to reconcile, it is suggested that Kate continue to act cool, calm, and collected and not act vindictive or manipulate Greg in any sort of way, or beg or plead.

She is not to actively pursue Greg—she does not want to push him any further away than he already is.

If Kate can tolerate the situation as a whole, she may be able to help build back her relationship with Greg.

They seem to be having a wonderful time over the weekends, and that is a golden opportunity for her to help mend the marriage.

She could tell him how she is feeling and what her needs are, which obviously is for him to communicate with her more often and be a husband Monday through Friday, not only on the weekends.

She should not discuss this in relation to his actions—but to her own feelings.

This will lessen the likelihood of him becoming defensive.

She can show him her perspective and let him know that she is not accusing him of anything but wants open and non-judgmental communication on the issue at hand.

However, if Kate does definitively find out that Greg is living a double life with another woman and that is the reason why he does not spend the weekdays at home, then she may not be able to tolerate Greg and may want a divorce.

Dealing with something as considerable as this could be damaging and destructive to Kate’s life.

Kate and her children’s health, mental health, and quality of life are all at risk.

She needs to be wary of the consequences and do what is right for her family.

In the meantime, while Kate is contemplating her choices, she can:

  • pray or meditate about it,
  • create a pros and cons list,
  • talk it out with her coach,
  • and come up with a game plan for all potential outcomes so that she is prepared for whatever may come.

Being in the middle of a tremendous situation such as this can be daunting, especially when your entire life can change in the blink of an eye depending on how you handle it.

If you find yourself in a similar circumstance, think through every possible action and result thoroughly so that you are able to make the best decision for yourself and your family. We cannot foresee the future but do have the ability to make it the brightest possible.

Even in cases of infidelity, you can save a marriage, rebuild trust, restore intimacy, and bring back the spark.

Specifically when it comes to trusting your spouse again (wives are just as capable as husbands of destroying trust), time is one of the main ingredients.

If there is legitimate reason for lack of trust, such as a clear violation of confidence in the past, the person who broke the trust should be willing to be open and honest with his actions going forward.

In a perfect world, he (or she) would allow access from the other spouse to cell phones, email, computers, bank accounts, and the like in order to reassure the suspicious spouse that he/she is trustworthy going forward.

If a spouse rejects and refuses such openness, that is not a good sign.

However, it also is not a guarantee that actions against the marriage are taking place.

Access to cell phones, email, computers, bank accounts, and the like in order to rebuild trust is a reasonable request from the spouse who has doubts.

At the same time, the doubting spouse should be gentle, respectful, and careful in requesting such and it should be expressly stated that such observation is temporary and will cease when trust has been restored.

Get my Emergency Marriage Kit for strategic guidance to save your marriage!

-Coach Lee

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