WHY People Control Others and HOW They Do It
You can’t go out with your friends–you better stay here tonight, or else.
I’m not going with you anymore to your parent’s house; they annoy me.
This is how I do things around here and I expect you to do the same.
Are you sure you want to eat that second helping of mashed potatoes?
Those are the voices of a controlling person; being around or being in a relationship with someone who is controlling can be draining, emotionally upsetting, and even sometimes a little scary.
The way they control can be overt (outwardly noticeable) or covert (on the sly and less noticeable).
There are various reasons why someone may want to control another person.
How the need to control becomes a part of a person’s personality can depend on different factors and may even stem from childhood experiences.
If you are experiencing the actions of a controlling spouse, then you probably are left wondering what you can do about the situation.
Whether s/he has been controlling since day one or you are slowly starting to notice a change in behavior—it is not a fun thing to go through, especially day in and day out.
Let’s look at how and why someone becomes controlling, what motivates them, let’s identify common controlling behaviors, and finally what you can do about it.
Where does control come from?
How does a controlling person come to be?
Being this way is not necessarily healthy if it is taken to the extreme.
Many people don’t even realize that they are controlling until someone points it out to them.
So where do these behaviors come from?
The need to control can have various origins or stems:
- Feeling as if one is about to lose another
- Past childhood experiences (trauma, abandonment, etc.)
- Feeling out of control
- Rigid, compulsive, or obsessive thoughts
- Certain personality types
- Role models who were also controlling
- Certain beliefs, values, or faith
- Anxiety
- Perfectionism
Scenario:
Jackie was abused as a child. She developed an eating disorder and began self-harming at an early age in order to cope with the traumatic events.
Controlling things around her (emotions and actions, as well as others’ actions at times) helps her to feel safe and more in tact.
People often view her as rigid, OCD, or Type A, yet most do not know about her past experiences.
What motivates someone to control another person?
The origin or stem of control is different than motivation.
Jackie is controlling in certain aspects of her life because she was abused and her motivation is to have a sense of control over her life so that she can feel safe in the world.
Here are some examples of when someone might use control:
- A spouse is jealous of the other’s friends or family and tries to prevent him or her from seeing them
- A person trying to change their friend’s hair style, type of dress, etc.
- A couple going out to dinner in which one partner always gets to choose the restaurant
- A wife anxious about abandonment because of a past experience, therefore she begs her husband to stay home in the evenings and on weekends
- A husband trying to control his wife’s diet and exercise routine in hopes that she’ll lose weight
- A boss micromanaging his or her employees
- A spouse physically, verbally, or emotionally abusing the other
What are signs of typical controlling behavior?
- Isolating others
- Humiliating others
- Threatening behaviors
- Holding a ‘carrot’ over one’s head (“I won’t do this unless you do that first”)
- Criticism and verbal abuse
- Sneaky behaviors
- Tallying up a ‘score’ in the relationship
- Being sneaky, jealous, or paranoid
- Needing to be around another at all times
- Controlling arguments in which the controller always has to win
- Using bribery
- Becoming hostile when the controller does not get his/her way
- Refusing to take others’ opinions into account
And the list can go on and on!
If you are in a controlling relationship, how do you go about dealing with your partner?
You’ve identified that your partner is controlling, for whatever reason(s).
It is greatly affecting your relationship and you need things to change or you will need to leave him/her.
Realistically, you only have three options:
- accept the controlling behavior,
- confront the controlling behavior,
- or leave your spouse.
If you are wanting to stay in the marriage, you’ll need to communicate with your spouse in a safe place and stay non-judgmental by presenting facts, examples, and expressing your feelings in the form of “I feel ____ because ____”.
Try to use questioning to get to the bottom of the controlling behaviors.
Is there a reason why they feel the need to act that way?
Have they been like that in past relationships?
Really attempt to understand and be empathetic.
Next, be vulnerable and honest—they need to understand that the situation is serious and their behavior is negatively affecting your marriage.
Seek counseling or advice from a religious/spiritual leader if need be.
It is sometimes beneficial to have an unbiased third party available to mediate.
Remember that not all control is done out of malice or with the intent to hurt; sometimes a person does not fully know that they are being controlling, especially if that has been a part of his/her personality or experience for a very long time.
Once you understand where the control is coming from and the motivation behind it, you’ll have a better grasp on changing the behaviors and fixing your marriage.
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