How People Fall In and Out of Love


Falling in or out of love doesn’t “just happen.”

Although either can happen unintentionally, they are both a process and don’t happen overnight, regardless if we believe we just fell head over heels in love with someone. 

There are four main steps to falling in love, which tend to happen in a particular order and follow a process.

If someone falls out of love with another, this means that there is a kink in the process and something went awry. 

Do you believe your spouse is falling out of love with you?

Are you unsure as to what happened when you thought everything was fine?

And do you want to make things better and bring your marriage back together?

Being aware of these steps will help you to identify where things got messy and what you can do to possibly fix things. 

Steps to Falling in Love

  • Attraction: You obviously want to be closer to the person you are attracted to and in turn you’d love for them to want to be around you. This can happen by focusing on the Physical, Emotional, and Intellectual attraction traits. Below are explanations:

Physical (Body): This relates to appearance but not always in a superficial way. By nature, we are attracted to others because we want to procreate—whether we realize it or not, we are always on the hunt for someone who will be best at reproducing with us, such as someone who is healthy-looking, proportional, exhibits dominance (in men) and femininity (in women).

Regardless of what our ancestors and social science has taught us, taking care of your body as best you can will assist you in attracting a spouse and keeping a spouse. 

Intellectual (Mind): Most people care how others perceive their intelligence and if they can hold their own in a conversation at a dinner party.

Attraction to the mind can range from similar interests to proving oneself at bar trivia. Some people are highly attracted to someone who is always learning and growing. 

Emotional (Heart): A significant other should evoke emotion within you—otherwise you may want to take a look at why they don’t.

Does this person make you feel good about yourself? Do you want to make others feel good? Do you want to be fun and make your significant other laugh?

The emotional aspect of attraction includes the good, the bad, and the ugly—which is reality. 

Spiritual (Soul): This portion includes your beliefs and values, but not always religion. You can meditate, practice mindfulness, or believe in some sort of higher power that will help guide you to be the best that you can be. 

Now…back to the steps: 

  • Acceptance: We all want to be loved and accepted as we are. We should not have to change ourselves in order to gain love. If someone does change, they may end up resenting the other person in the future. But don’t think you have to accept them for certain behaviors (choosing to do drugs, for example)—you may accept that the addiction is a problem but may not accept the actual behavior of doing drugs. You should want unconditional love in a relationship and should give it just the same. You cannot love anyone until you can accept them for he or she truly is, which starts with accepting yourself. 
  • Attachment: This is what keeps a couple together: the development of a very deep bond. In this stage, even on the bad days, you never question the loyalty and commitment of your significant other or spouse. Commitment can fade if one partner takes it for granted. 
  • Aspiration: When you are attracted to someone, fully accept them, and have a deep attachment to them, then you should share common life goals. Aspiration will lead to cooperation. 

Each of these four steps can have a positive, neutral, or negative aspect to them. Most people you encounter in life will be in the neutral category—you see them, but there is no reason for you to pay too much attention their way; but those that you are attracted to, are seen in a positive light. 

If someone is looking for a short-term relationship, they may only focus mainly on the physical aspects. But when they are looking for a serious, long-term relationship, they should be looking at the other aspects of attraction as well. 

When a spouse or both partners fall out of love, there is a disconnect between one of the steps and each person is on a different level than the other.

If one violates a step or one stops working on the traits of attraction, things can get messy.

When you become aware of the steps to falling in love as well as work on your PIES and become the best you can be in those four categories, you can become a more attractive person inside and out.

This will not only assist you with staying in a healthy relationship with your spouse but also with working on yourself in order to possibly mend a relationship. 

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