When and How To Move On From a Marriage

If your spouse has left you for another person, is wanting a different lifestyle than you and is not around, has filed for divorce, or you have already divorced and are having trouble moving on…how do you move on and how do you know it is time?

Can every troubled marriage be saved?

Nearly all can, however not all will.

Sometimes one spouse does all s/he can to save the marriage.

They learn, put into practice the right things, make right the things they did wrong, demonstrate remarkable love, patience, and…forgiveness. Yet, the other spouse doesn’t respond. 

The first thing to realize is that people don’t leave what they have unless they believe what is on the other side is better.

This reality may hurt deeply, but it happens.

Being able to accept this fact may help you to move on if you are going through a similar situation.

It’s possible that you might not be able to accept until you know the reason why this is happening in your life.

You could possibly get the answers you want and you could possibly have to live with the unknown and make a choice to move on for your future.

Why is this Happening?

Here are a few possibilities:

• Your spouse has begun an affair and has moved out of the house 
• Your spouse wants to live a different lifestyle opposite of yours 
• You may be pushing your spouse away by being hateful, controlling, etc.
• You had an affair and your spouse has left you and doesn’t want you back
• Your spouse left you many months, or even years ago, and you still have not moved on

So when do you “pull the plug” and get on with life? 

Well, you may not want to. In order for you to move on, you have to make peace with that decision and maybe you are just not there quite yet.

In this case, you can do a few things to try to save the marriage:

• Both of you need to stop doing the things that are destroying the marriage.
• Both of you need to do things that will make the marriage good again.
• Do everything you can to save your marriage and fight. 

You can also work on yourself in the process, which in turn may help bring you and your spouse closer together again, by improving your level of attraction:

• Physical Attraction – go for a walk in nature or take up that kickboxing class you’ve been wanting to try
• Emotional – talk to your friends or counselor, if you have one, or practice mindfulness or journal every day
• Intellectual – join a class or start reading a new book

Now, what if you continue to work on yourself and the marriage and your spouse does not respond? 

Is there a time when the spouse striving to save the marriage should stop trying and accept that no matter what s/he does the marriage will end?

Yes, but don’t give up what you have unless what you are giving up will ultimately be better for you and improve your life.

You need to feel peace about leaving your spouse, otherwise you may not be fully ready to do so.

Don’t move too fast. Take your time to make this difficult and life-changing decision. 

Once a divorce is decided upon and has taken place…

What do You do Next?

• Write down the pros and cons of dating again versus waiting a while.
• Describe in detail the kind of person you want to be with in the future.
• Pray or meditate about it.
• Only hang out in areas you would want to meet your next love. Do you really want to meet them at a smoky dive bar? 
• When you start dating again, get to know their friends and family, ask around about the person, etc. 
• Be careful on online dating sites and only speak with people you truly see yourself with.
• Don’t forget the principles of romantic love when searching for your next partner:

1. Commitment
2. True intimacy and vulnerability
3. Absolute passion

• Know that it is okay to be alone for a while. 

It really is.

Figuring out what you absolutely want and what will bring you peace in life is the initial step in the process of leaving a spouse, as well as with a spouse who has already left you, even if you are already divorced.

Regardless if the divorce was your decision or theirs, it is a loss, and you may need to grief before you find that you can move forward.

Healing is individualized and every person works at their own pace in regards to moving on.

It may take months, it may take years to entirely mend and rebuild your life. 

What is important to remember is that there is hope and you will move on to have a beautiful life.

Do not allow your ex-spouse or your divorce to define you.

Love will come your way again and you will be much more prepared and stronger when it does. 

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