How To Choose A Marriage Counselor or Therapist

Marriage is a journey filled with both joy and challenges. When those challenges become overwhelming, seeking the guidance of a marriage counselor can be a wise decision.

However, not all marriage counselors are created equal. Not even close!

Choosing the right one is crucial to the success of your therapy. Beyond the clichés of a good listener or a professional with a cozy office, there are essential factors you should probably consider.

In this article, we will explore the less talked about, yet vital aspects of selecting a marriage counselor.

These factors include their commitment to saving your marriage, shared morals, a forward-focused approach, the ability to provide genuine advice, and the absence of gender bias.

A Genuine Commitment to Saving Your Marriage

Choosing a marriage counselor.

One of the first things you should look for in a marriage counselor is someone who has the goal and moral conviction of saving your marriage if at all possible.

While this may seem like an obvious criterion, not all counselors share this commitment.

Some even push divorce if there are any difficulties in your marriage. That is certainly not what you want in a counselor!

When seeking counseling, you want to work with a professional who is genuinely invested in the well-being of your marriage.

A counselor who views their role as more than just a job but as an opportunity to mend and strengthen the bonds of marriage is crucial. You should be able to sense their dedication to helping couples overcome their challenges and navigate the complexities of marriage to keep their family together.

To determine if a counselor has this commitment, you can start by asking them about their approach to marriage counseling during the initial consultation. A counselor who expresses a strong desire to help you and your partner reconcile and grow together is more likely to be a good fit.

Shared Morals and Values

Marriage is built on a foundation of shared values and morals. Therefore, it is vital to choose a marriage counselor who aligns with your belief system.

Whether it’s religious, ethical, or cultural values, finding a counselor who respects and understands your moral compass can be instrumental in the success of therapy.

If you and your partner share specific beliefs or values that are significant to your relationship, it’s essential to communicate these to the counselor from the outset.

A good counselor will respect your values and work within the framework you provide, helping you find solutions that are in harmony with your shared principles.

A Forward-Focused Approach

A common frustration in marriage counseling is when old issues are constantly dredged up, leading to a cycle of rehashing past conflicts.

While it’s essential to address underlying issues, you also want a counselor who focuses on moving forward constructively. Dwelling excessively on past mistakes can hinder progress and create a sense of hopelessness.

What’s more, your happiness should not be your counselor’s top goal. His or her goal should be to help you and your spouse save your marriage if at all possible and provided there is not real abuse that endangers someone.

When interviewing potential counselors, inquire about their approach to addressing past issues.

A skilled therapist should be able to strike a balance between acknowledging the past and guiding the couple toward practical solutions and future-oriented goals.

Look for a counselor who emphasizes growth, change, and developing healthier patterns of communication and interaction.

Genuine Advice, Not Just Listening

Effective marriage counseling involves more than just a sympathetic ear.

While active listening is a valuable skill, you should seek a counselor who goes beyond listening and offers genuine, actionable advice.

A good marriage counselor is not afraid to provide guidance and suggestions that can help you and your partner navigate the challenges you face.

During your initial sessions, pay attention to the counselor’s approach.

Do they provide concrete strategies for resolving conflicts and improving communication, or do they primarily listen without offering practical solutions?

Ideally, you want a counselor who combines empathy and active listening with the ability to offer insightful and constructive advice tailored to your specific situation.

Absence of Gender Bias

Gender bias, whether overt or subtle, has no place in effective marriage counseling.

You want a counselor who treats both partners with respect and fairness, without any preconceived notions or animosity toward men or women.

I have seen with my own experience, counselors who seemed to partner with the person who matched their gender and teamed up against the other spouse – even to the point the counselor pushing divorce.

To ensure the absence of gender bias, consider asking the counselor about their approach to working with couples and their awareness of gender-related issues.

A skilled counselor should be well-versed in the dynamics of relationships and be committed to treating both partners equally.

Additional Considerations

While the above points are crucial in choosing a marriage counselor, there are several other factors to consider:

Experience and Credentials: Ensure that the counselor is licensed, experienced, and trained in marriage and family therapy.

Compatibility: It’s essential to feel comfortable with your counselor. Trust your instincts and choose someone you and your partner both feel at ease with.

Cost and Availability: Consider the counselor’s fees and availability to ensure that the therapy fits within your budget and schedule.

Reviews and References: Read reviews and seek referrals from friends or family who have had positive experiences with marriage counselors.


Choosing a marriage counselor is a significant decision that can profoundly impact the course of your relationship.

While many aspects of a counselor’s role may be intuitive, the less talked about factors, such as their commitment to saving your marriage, shared morals, forward-focused approach, ability to provide genuine advice, and absence of gender bias, are equally important.

Remember that the success of marriage counseling often depends on the compatibility between the counselor and the couple.

Take the time to research, interview, and evaluate potential counselors to find the one who can guide you and your partner toward a healthier and happier marriage.

In doing so, you can take a more proactive and informed approach to addressing the challenges you face as a couple and working towards a brighter future together.

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Coach Lee

Coach Lee helps people save marriages from divorce. No matter the situation, there is hope with the appropriate response. Rely on Lee's 22 years of experience in working with couples in troubled relationships.

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