How To Get Over A Lover

Getting Over a Lover

When you are madly in love with or are completely and utterly infatuated with someone else other than your spouse, and then it ends (which research shows that it most likely will), getting over him or her can be difficult.

Whether you ended it or the other person did, you continue to struggle with intense emotions.

Why are they (the emotions) still there?

How long will they last?

How can you get past them?

How can you get over the lover you thought you were so madly and deeply in love with?

With any affair, limerence is involved, and the brain has been hijacked.

When a person is in love, their brain chemicals act wonky; there will be a sharp increase in dopamine and a decrease in serotonin, causing all sorts of “lovey dovey” feelings and emotions.

Serotonin’s job is to regulate mood and hunger.

Interestingly, those diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have low levels of serotonin; if you think about someone in limerence, their desires and behaviors can be quite obsessive.

Dopamine, both a hormone and neurotransmitter, is considered the pleasure and motivation chemical in the brain.

Those who use certain drugs have a huge spike in dopamine, which leaves them wanting more.

The same is true for those who are “madly in love” with each other.

Dopamine leaves people full of energy, euphoria, and the need for more and more.

Let’s look at three different scenarios in which limerence plays a role and get some expert advice on how they should be handled.

Kevin and Kathy are in a limerent relationship and are both married to someone else.

Kathy falls hard and fast for Kevin; her emotions have developed rapidly and he is not on the same page as her.

Kevin tries to pull away after coming to the realization that this affair is not morally right and is causing harm to his marriage.

Kathy then attempts to lure him back into the limerent relationship.

This relationship goes on for a bit, but all good things must come to an end.

Kathy and Kevin’s affair will have to end in one of three ways:

They could end up together, but realize things are not that great once that madly-in-love feeling (limerence) goes away.

They question their decision.

The ‘halo effect’ diminishes and Kathy realizes that she has made a huge mistake.

She tells Kevin this; she’d rather be back with her husband and children.

Kevin ceases to reciprocate that feeling and wants to continue the relationship.

Kathy leaves regardless of Kevin’s feelings.

Either Kevin or Kathy moves on to someone else since the limerence has faded.

The person who left constantly feels the need to be validated and loved—they are a limerent addict searching for love to get them high.

Regardless of Kevin or Kathy’s powerful feelings—limerence will come to an end and they will have to figure out what to do with their lives now that they have caused chaos in their marriages.

They must get over their lover.

* * *

He says he loves you but isn’t in love with you—he is seeing someone else, has moved out, and even purchased a new phone without telling you the new number.

He claims that he is not divorcing you and that he just wants to live by himself for a while since he has never lived for himself in all of his adult years.

You believe he is confused and struggling with something deep, which is why you decide to stick it out and see what happens.

You want to save the marriage.

What should you do?

You need to make your own decisions and either need to wait and see what happens or make a move to bring the situation to a head.

Invest your time in the areas of attraction, which will help yourself get over the loss more quickly.

Physical– go for a walk in nature or take up that kickboxing class you’ve been wanting to try

Intellectual– join a class or start reading a new book

Emotional– talk to your friends or counselor, if you have one, or practice mindfulness or journal every day

Spiritual– start meditating or attending a yoga class

Decide what behaviors of his are acceptable or not.

Think about what you are willing to live with.

Set clear and hard boundaries and give him a deadline but also don’t make him think he is pushed into a corner.

Another Example of Moving On From A Lover

Mike’s wife moved out five months ago and seems to be in limerence but has not admitted it.

He and his wife Caroline have been married for 14 years.

He admits there were basic and common problems in the marriage but not enough to want to divorce.

Mike loves his wife deeply but needs to know what is going on so that he can move on emotionally and maybe even physically, but she won’t admit anything.

Mike does know that Caroline has become very close to a colleague and that she has contacted him a lot; however, she claims he is only just a good friend.

How can Mike verify that his spouse is in limerence with someone else so that he can move on?

Mike can use the CAGE evaluation.

The CAGE acronym was originally used as one way to evaluate if alcohol abuse is going on, but CAGE can also be used to determine if you or someone you know is in limerence.

When a person answers ‘yes’ to two or more of these statements, then a boundary has been crossed even if there is no proof of adultery.

C- Is Caroline CUTTING back on time she spends with others?
A- Is she ANNOYED about what other people say about her limerent relationship?
G- Does she seem GUILTY about the limerent relationship she has?
E- Is the lover her emotional ELEVATOR? Does she go up and down right along with him?

Depending on the outcome, Mike may have the answer he needs to make a decision for his marriage.

No matter the situation, when limerence is involved, things can get confusing and frustrating.

Whether you are the person in limerence but realize that you want to save your marriage, or you have a spouse who may be in limerence, conversations must be had and decisions must be made.

Remember, limerence is only temporary, therefore it will end at some point and the limerent will need to choose their spouse or their limerent object.

Once the hormones and chemicals finally calm down, the brain will be able to help make a rational and logical choice.

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