What You Need To Know About Limerence

What is limerence? In the video above, Coach Lee explains the mental state of limerence and what you can do if your spouse is having what is called a “limerence affair” or rebound relationship.

Coach Lee compares limerence to love and details what you can do if the one you love is infatuated with another person (that person is known as the “limerent object”).

If your marriage relationship is troubled and/or you are separated due to your spouse (or boyfriend/girlfriend) having a limerence affair, Coach Lee’s video above explains what is going on and why it seems you can’t compete with this other person or even effectively communicate with your ex.

Limerence is a state of mind where people often leave marriages or long term, stable relationships to, instead, be with someone they haven’t known for a long time at all but have amazing, sky-high feelings for (their limerent relationship).

This type of relationship usually only lasts a few months but occasionally lasts for longer periods of time.

Dr. Tennov studied people in this situation and coined the term/word limerence.

Despite the intense feelings, limerence is usually something temporary and is characterized by chemical reactions in the brain.

In a way, the person who is in limerence becomes addicted more to the chemicals than the person.

People might describe it as an addiction to love but it’s really the chemical highs that are produced in their own brain, and that involves dopamine which goes up and Serotonin which can go up or down.

When serotonin production is altered, it can affect our ability to be reasonable, rational, and logical.

Symptoms of Limerece

Dopamine is part of the reward and pleasure system of our brains.

So, when we do something and our brains want to reward us, we produce larger amounts of dopamine than normal.

It feels good and encourages us to do the things that produce more dopamine.

You have an itch that needs scratching? Scratch it get a little dopamine.

Sugar intake raises dopamine, which feels so good and so we start to see sugary things as rewards.

With limerence, the person who they are with can be seen as a reward.

The person in the relationship might think, “I work hard I have experienced a lot of difficulty in the last year or two.

My marriage has been difficult. Therefore, I deserve this person. I’m going to indulge in this person.”

These chemicals allow people to project onto this person whatever they wish.

They can make them into their hero or view them as the love of their lives.

People experiencing limerence can also view their relationship as magical and euphoric, transcendent of all other relationships they have known.

That’s why it’s common for someone in limerence to say, “I have never felt this way before.”

People who are experiencing limerence often find it difficult to focus on anything else.

They feel they can spend every second of the day with this person who is called the “limerent object.”

That is why people leave marriages, drop careers that are very lucrative to be with this person if that’s what it takes.

The person entangled in limerence often feels that they would be willing to give up almost anything.

A lot of people in limerence will describe it as extremely “intense.”

They will even make excuses for the small amount of time they’ve been in a relationship with this person.

They might say, “It’s only been two months but it is extremely intense.”

A lot of times “I love yous” are said constantly even though the relationship is very immature as far as the time the two have been together.

The couple in limerence will often act as though they’ve been together for years when they haven’t, and again, there are good things to this, but in the wrong circumstances, it can be life altering in very negative ways.

Chasing the Chemical “High” of Limerence

Once a certain high is reached with limerence, it cannot be reached again.

The same high can’t be experienced again and so the chase is part of this equation in that the person in limerence will keep chasing it, believing they can feel it again and, over time, as it fades, they realize they can’t.

Upon that realization, they will say things like, “the spark went away” or “my feelings have changed” or “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

That’s why people in marriages often experience it with someone other than their spouse when their marriage has gone through a time that’s been difficult or they have felt unappreciated, disrespected, not desired, unloved, unliked.

They are primed and ready to limerence with someone, and so, when they’re around this person, they’re able to project things onto him or her and limerence can begin.

Now, limerence is not all bad, as a matter of fact, it’s got a very reasonable and good purpose in that, when two people first meet, there’s not much holding them together, they don’t really know each other.

There might be some physical attraction, but we see people we’re physically attracted to every day and we don’t just say, we want to spend the rest of our lives with them, and so, when you start to experience limerence with someone and you have to be somewhat primed and ready to experience limerence.

You have to be open.

Coach Lee also discusses how you may fight for the heart of the one you love.

It’s important that you know that while your loved one is experiencing the highs of limerence, it is extremely difficult for you to have influence or to re-attract him or her.

The Benefits of Limerence

The purpose of limerence is a good one in that, when we first meet someone, limerence brings us together. It’s what makes us want to see this person again and again even though we have just met them.

It is because we want to explore them and we want to experience intimacy with them.

Emotionally we want to know everything about them.

We don’t want there to be any secrets.

We want to tell them everything about ourselves and don’t want to hide.

The same is true physically in that we want to be seen naked by them and we want to see them naked.

We want to feel that we have explored every inch of them physically and emotionally.

We want to see their soul and it is that aspiration that defines the limerence journey.

And what it is intended for is that at the end of limerence when it does fade and it will, what is left from its shell is companionship, commitment, friendship and a more stable mature relationship than simply relying on being fueled by the chemical highs of limerence.

So, if you are married, separated, or divorced, then when you first met your spouse, the odds are very good that you experienced limerence.

That that is what brought you two through to wanting to get married, to wanting to have a life together.

It sparked the whole thing and what was left when limerence faded was companionship and friendship and real love.

Even though limerence is a form of love.

It is a romantic form of love. It can be called infatuation to some degree.

Limerent Affairs (and Limerent Relationships)

Limerence provides a very powerful influence over people.

That does NOT mean that you can’t do anything to reunite with your spouse who is in a limerence affair.

Watch the video above for directions on how to overpower the influence of limerence on the one you love.

When a spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend is experiencing limerence, they are under the influence of the chemicals associated with that mental state.

It could be described as a chemical addiction to some degree even though it is attached to a specific individual.

Other people and elements of their life become secondary to being with this person even though the heart of what they are seeking is the way that the limerence chemicals make them feel.

No medicine on the market today can match it.

For Coach Lee’s explanation of limerence and how it affects you, watch the video above.

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Coach Lee

Coach Lee helps people save marriages from divorce. No matter the situation, there is hope with the appropriate response. Rely on Lee's 22 years of experience in working with couples in troubled relationships.

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