“I Don’t Want To Be Married Anymore!”

Rekindling the Flame: Why You Should Stay in Your Marriage and How to Make it Thrive

“I don’t want to be married anymore, now what?”

I wish I didn’t hear that as often as I do, but it’s part of profession.

Marriage is an intricate dance of love, compromise, and growth.

It’s a journey filled with both highs and lows, and at times, you may find yourself questioning whether you want to be married anymore.

It’s actually quite common to have such doubts.

While it’s natural to encounter challenges along the way, the decision to stay and work on your marriage can lead to a fulfilling and lasting partnership.

In this article, we’ll explore why staying in your marriage is worth it and provide practical, non-clichéd advice on how to improve it.

Fulfilling Each Other Sexually

Sexual intimacy is a cornerstone of a healthy marriage, and addressing sexual fulfillment is crucial.

See my article Sexual Rejection’s Effect On A Marriage for more information.

Here are some nuanced tips to enhance this aspect of your relationship:

  1. Open Communication: Instead of assuming your partner knows your desires, engage in open and honest conversations about your sexual needs and fantasies. Encourage your spouse to share their desires as well. Effective communication can lead to a more satisfying sex life for each of you.
  2. Variety and Exploration: Keep the passion alive by exploring new experiences together. Experiment with different types of intimacy, such as role-playing, trying new positions, or introducing sensuous surprises in the bedroom. The element of novelty can reignite the spark.
  3. Emotional Connection: Understand that emotional intimacy plays a significant role in sexual satisfaction. Ensure you both feel emotionally connected and supported, as this can enhance your physical relationship.
  4. Prioritize Sex: Don’t just leave it to chance. When something is important to us, we prioritize it so that we ensure it happens because we know its importance. Treat sex the same way. It’s more important than most of the things that you likely schedule each day.
  5. Take Care of Each Other: Your spouse wants to feel wanted, desired, and lusted after. Make sure that your spoiuse knows that you want them sexually. Be sure that you are active enough to demonstrate that and show that your spouse’s sexual fulfillment matters a great deal to you.

Embracing a Classical Marriage with Clear Gender Roles

In today’s world, marriage dynamics vary greatly, but for some couples, embracing classical gender roles can provide stability, harmony, and less stress.

Here’s how to navigate this:

  1. Understanding Roles: Take the time to discuss and define traditional gender roles in your marriage. Understand what these roles mean to both of you and how they can complement each other’s strengths.
  2. Mutual Respect: Classical roles don’t mean disregarding each other’s autonomy or opinions. It’s about respecting each other’s contributions and finding a balance that works for your unique partnership.
  3. Individual Responsibilities: It’s stressful and overwhelming for each spouse to had to do and think about every responsibility needed for the family. That’s why a traditional marriage can be such a relief to both people involved. I, as the husband, provide and protect my wife and family. She keeps the home. She doesn’t have to worry about financial needs or protection, and I have a great home to come home to that’s also a wonderful place for my wife and our children – so I don’t have to worry with that. It takes stress off of each of us and allows more free time for each of us that turns into quality time.

    See this link for an article providing more information on a Classical Marriage Relationship.

Stop Yelling and Start Seeking Peace

Arguments are inevitable in any marriage, but they don’t have to escalate into yelling matches.

Consider these tips to maintain peace:

  1. Practice Mindfulness: Before reacting in anger, take a moment to pause and reflect on your emotions. Mindfulness can help you respond more calmly and constructively during conflicts.
  2. Effective Conflict Resolution: Learn conflict resolution techniques such as active listening and compromise. Seek to understand your partner’s perspective and find common ground. Addressing issues calmly can prevent escalation.
  3. Seeking Professional Help: If communication challenges persist, don’t hesitate to seek the guidance of a marriage coach and/or to get more information on my Relationship Reignite Workshop. Professional assistance can provide valuable tools for addressing conflicts and improving communication.

Bringing Back Date Night

Rekindling the romance and connection you once had is essential. Here’s how to make date night meaningful:

  1. Scheduled Dates: Plan regular date nights and stick to the schedule. Even amidst life’s busyness, prioritizing these moments shows your commitment to nurturing your relationship. Have date night at least once every 2 weeks.
  2. Unplug and Connect: During date nights, disconnect from screens and distractions. Focus on each other, engage in meaningful conversations, and rediscover the joy of spending quality time together.
  3. Surprises and Thoughtfulness: Make an effort to surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures or gifts. These surprises demonstrate that you’re thinking of them and value their happiness.

Meeting Emotional Needs

Dr. Willard Harley’s “His Needs, Her Needs” outlines key emotional needs in marriage.

Addressing these can strengthen your bond.

They are (in no particular order):

  1. Sexual Fulfillment: Sexual intimacy is a vital component of a healthy marriage. It’s not just about physical satisfaction but also emotional closeness. Make an effort to communicate openly about your desires, explore each other’s fantasies, and prioritize this aspect of your relationship. Remember, a fulfilling sex life can create a deeper bond between you.
  2. Recreational Companionship: Shared activities and hobbies can enhance your connection. Engaging in recreational companionship means finding joy in doing things together, whether it’s hiking, dancing, or simply watching movies. Participating in these activities fosters a sense of togetherness and creates lasting memories.
  3. An Attractive Spouse: Physical attraction is essential, but it’s also about maintaining your appearance for your partner. Take care of your health, dress well, and pay attention to personal grooming and weight. Keeping the physical attraction alive demonstrates your commitment to your spouse’s desires and that you consider them in your actions and habits.
  4. Domestic Support: A well-organized and harmonious home can reduce stress and contribute to marital happiness. Share household responsibilities and work together to create a comfortable living environment. By doing so, you show your dedication to maintaining a peaceful home life.
  5. Admiration: We all want to be admired and appreciated. Express admiration for your spouse’s qualities, achievements, and efforts. Make it a habit to compliment and recognize each other. Your admiration reinforces self-worth and strengthens the bond.
  6. Affection: Physical affection is essential for emotional closeness and for some, this is a part of sexual fulfillment. Simple gestures like hugs, kisses, and cuddles convey love and reassurance. Don’t underestimate the power of physical touch in maintaining a loving connection.
  7. Conversation: Meaningful conversation is an important part of emotional intimacy. Take time to engage in deep conversations about your dreams, fears, expectations, and daily experiences. Truly listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings. Good communication forms a strong emotional bond. Resources: My wife won’t talk to me | My husband won’t talk to me
  8. Honesty and Openness: Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage. Be open and honest with each other, even when discussing difficult topics. Honesty builds trust, while secrecy erodes it. A relationship built on trust can weather any storm.
  9. Financial Commitment/Support: Financial stability and shared financial goals are crucial. Discuss your financial priorities and work together to achieve them. Financial transparency and cooperation show your commitment to a secure future together.
  10. Family Commitment: Family bonds are significant. Prioritize spending time with both your immediate and extended families. Show respect and support for each other’s family relationships. Family commitments reinforce the idea that you’re building a life together, including your family.

It’s not about one partner sacrificing for the other but about both partners actively working to meet each other’s needs.

Keep the lines of communication open, and regularly check in with each other to ensure that you are both feeling loved, desired, and cherished.

Remember that a thriving marriage is built on mutual love, respect, and the commitment to making each other happy.

By understanding and addressing these ten emotional needs, you can strengthen the emotional connection in your marriage and pave the way for a fulfilling and lasting partnership.

Each spouse should look over these needs and select their top 5.

It can also be helpful to rank all 10 and share and discuss among the two of you.

Rekindling the Emotional Connection

In a long-term marriage, it’s common for couples to drift apart emotionally.

At times, you might even say to yourself, “I hate my marriage.

You might even say, “I hate my husband,” or “I hate my wife.”

However, rekindling that emotional connection can breathe new life into your relationship:

  1. Shared Experiences: Seek out new experiences together. Whether it’s traveling to new places, taking up a new hobby as a couple, or participating in mutual interests, shared experiences can strengthen your emotional bond.
  2. Express Vulnerability: Allow yourselves to be vulnerable with each other. Share your fears, hopes, and dreams. When both partners feel safe to open up, it fosters trust and emotional intimacy.
  3. Surprise Love Letters: In this digital age, a handwritten love letter can be incredibly meaningful because they are so rare. Take the time to express your love, appreciation, and commitment to your spouse through a heartfelt letter.

Forgiveness and Letting Go

Every marriage faces its share of mistakes and conflicts.

Learning to forgive and let go is essential for healing and moving forward:

  1. Practice Forgiveness: Holding onto grudges and past mistakes can poison your marriage. Practice forgiveness, both for your spouse and yourself. Accept that no one is perfect, and forgiveness is a path to healing.
  2. Seek Coaching: If past conflicts continue to haunt your marriage, consider seeking the guidance of a marriage counselor or therapist. Professional help can provide strategies for overcoming deep-seated issues.

Building a Support System

A strong support system can bolster your marriage:

  1. Friendships: Nurture your friendships outside of your marriage. Maintain close relationships with friends of the same sex who can provide emotional support and a fresh perspective when needed.
  2. Family Bonds: Stay connected with your extended family. Sometimes, the influence of parents and siblings can provide valuable insights and support for your marriage.

Cultivating Gratitude

Appreciating the small things in your relationship can make a monumental difference:

  1. Daily Gratitudes: Make it a habit to express gratitude daily. Acknowledge your spouse’s efforts, no matter how small, and express your thanks. This habit can reinforce positive feelings.
  2. Gratitude Journal: Consider keeping a gratitude journal where you jot down things you appreciate about your spouse and your marriage. Reflecting on these entries can reinforce your commitment to the relationship.
  3. Be Grateful for Your Spouse: No one is perfect. Each of us has our flaws, unflattering traits, and moments of actions that we regret. But consider that this person has stayed with you over the years. When others have left, your spouse has remained by your side – even when it’s been difficult. We often take that aspect of our spouse for granted and, instead, focus on other areas that can be superficial, performance based, and even self-centered. Be grateful that someone has stayed by your side.

Seeking Professional Help

If your marriage is facing significant challenges that you and your spouse are struggling to address, don’t hesitate to seek professional help:

  1. Marriage Coaching: A qualified marriage coach can provide a safe and neutral space for both of you to work through complex issues, improve communication, and rebuild your marriage.
  2. Therapeutic Workshops: Some couples find therapeutic retreats or workshops beneficial such as my Relationship Reignite Workshop. These immersive experiences can offer intensive therapy and guidance over a short period.

Conclusion: If You Don’t Want To Be Married Anymore

Marriage is a dynamic journey that evolves over time.

It requires patience, dilligence, and allegiance to the commitment you vowed.

While moments of doubt and dissatisfaction may arise, they can also be opportunities for growth and transformation.

By embracing nuanced approaches to addressing sexual fulfillment, considering classical gender roles, practicing effective conflict resolution, prioritizing date nights, meeting each other’s emotional needs, and implementing the additional tips discussed in this article, you can strengthen or save your marriage.

Remember that every marriage is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

When it all is boiled down, remember that marriage is not something that should be expected to make you happy every minute of the day.

The point of committing to marriage is because it won’t always retain the “magic” of the early days of your relationship.

It can’t.

We are bombarded by media, advertising, and movies that teach us to think that marriage is primarily about feelings, but that isn’t reality.

Like other worthwhile endeavors and passions, marriage means that we stay even when we aren’t “feeling it.”

We should put our time, effort, and energy into it even on days when we don’t want to.

We must also understand that marriage is not a promise of constant joy or endless romance.

The person you’re married to shouldn’t be expected to read your mind or push all of your buttons round the clock.

It’s the combination of love, dedication, and a willingness to adapt and grow together that can ultimately lead to a lasting and fulfilling partnership – even when you or your spouse aren’t feeling it in the moment.

As you navigate the intricacies of your marriage, stay committed to growinging love, understanding, and trust between you and your spouse.

Through both the challenges and joys, your journey together can become a beautiful testament to the power of love and resilience in marriage.

I have a free mini-course on saving a mariage and I sincerely hope that you will get it and apply what it teaches to your marriage!


Coach Lee

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Coach Lee

Coach Lee helps people save marriages from divorce. No matter the situation, there is hope with the appropriate response. Rely on Lee's 22 years of experience in working with couples in troubled relationships.

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