Should I Drag Out My Divorce To Save My Marriage?

If you are considering delaying your divorce to save your marriage, you have come to the right place.

Imagine finding out that your spouse is cheating on you.

You confront them but make it clear that you would still like to save the marriage.

Your spouse then decides that they would rather file for divorce and continue the affair than stay with you.

This leaves you heartbroken. 

Now think about the possibility of your spouse “falling out of love” with you.

What would you do? Would you give in and go through a quick divorce like he or she may prefer, hoping that your cooperation might win him/her back, or do you stand your ground and advocate for your feelings and your marriage?

Would you delay and drag out the divorce in hopes that there is time for your spouse’s heart to change and for him or her to want the marriage again?

It would be a tough choice. 

Every couple is different—they each have their own unique story and positive and negative aspects—therefore, every divorce or reconciliation will be different.

If you are going through something similar as one of the above scenarios, you need to ask yourself, how will I benefit from staying in or leaving this marriage, and will my actions be worth it in the end? 

In the initial situation, the spouse cheated, and depending on the length of the marriage, whether or not the couple has children, shared assets, or level of commitment, it is for the other spouse to decide if they are willing to put up a fight and/or wait things out, or if they would rather agree to end the marriage.

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One option is to delay the divorce when a spouse has cheated, if you still intend on staying with them, because of something called ‘limerence.

This is the state of being infatuated with someone else, and as we all know, euphoria does not last a lifetime.

Let’s say that Steven is married and in love with Sharon, but Sharon, who is in limerence, decides that she is madly in love with Nathan and wants to divorce Steven.

Steven finds out about this affair but despite this, does not want a divorce.

He decides to drag out the divorce in hopes that what Sharon is feeling for Nathan will not last forever and that he can fix what is broken in their marriage.

He could delay the process by hiring his own legal council, by requesting mediation, by responding and filing closer to deadlines, etc.

Lawyers and mediators are used to delaying the divorce to save the marriage if it’s possible.

Regardless of the affair, Steven feels passionate about trying to save their marriage. 

On the other hand, Steven does not necessarily want to make things worse; he fears that he could end up creating even more of a rift between himself and his wife or end up extremely miserable himself when his plan does not work out.

His decision of delaying the divorce to save the marriage should be relative to the situation and go with what will make him at peace; relationships and divorce are not black and white. 

What Steven should not do in this situation is become unreasonable, vindictive, or cause any trouble that could be used against him in court, especially if assets or children are involved.

If Steven has an attorney, he needs to make sure he is following his attorney’s advice and abiding by the law while he attemps to save the marriage by delaying the divorce. 

Other Options To Save Your Marriage

In the second situation, a spouse, let’s name him Ted, has fallen out of love with his wife Julie.

They have been together for over two decades, but things have not been going well for quite some time.

Julie knows that their relationship has been difficult and admits feelings have changed between the two; however, she continues to love her husband and wants to fight for their marriage. 

Ted files for divorce and gives Julie the divorce papers to sign, knowing that his wife is not in agreement.

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Instead, Julie wants to advocate for her marriage and does not want to let it go so easily, although she is unsure what steps to take and does not know a lot about the divorce process.

She decides to hire an attorney of her own, especially since she notices that Ted has hired one of his own to help him with filing the initial divorce paperwork.

After meeting with her attorney, she realized that she does not have to answer Ted immediately and that the moment between responding to the agreement and officially signing the divorce documents could take quite some time, if she chooses to allow it to.

Between dealing with attorneys back and forth, hiring a CPA, going to mediation to determine custody of their two children, she is understanding that she could drag out the divorce in hopes of saving the marriage and finding that spark between the two of them once more.

But just like in the first scenario, Julie could be headed toward disaster.

A Long Divorce Process Buys Time

There’s no guarantee.

However, if your spouse is attempting to divorce you, the longer the divorce process lasts, the better your chances of turning the tide.

That’s why it makes sense in some situations to delay the divorce to try to save the marriage.

Sometimes you must make a choice and be willing to accept the consequences.

It’s possible, if there is another person in the picture, that this time will allow your spouse to get over their lover upon the growing realization of who they are hurting and the true cost of leaving you.

If your spouse already wants a divorce, you don’t have much to lose by attempting to keep the process slow (dragging it out) as much as possible so that your spouse truly is able to give the situation fair consideration.

Once the divorce actually goes through and the marriage is dissolved, the odds of getting back together drop dramatically.

It’s like a switch is flicked in the mind of your ex spouse to where he/she feels single and it is often much easier for them to move on once they have closure of the marriage.

Dragging out the divorce could cause your spouse to feel even more negatively toward you than they already do.

Nothing is a given. That’s life.

Troubled marriage? Get Coach Lee’s Free Mini-Course To Save Your Marriage!

That’s why it is important that you not appear manipulative or that you are intentionally trying to delay the divorce.

It’s one thing to ensure that something as important as saving a marriage is at least given a chance and adequate time to be sure that it’s over and can’t be saved.

It’s another to appear that you are trying to be complicated or manipulative.  

Despite what the reasoning is behind a spouse wanting a divorce or physically filing for a divorce, each situation is different, and therefore not all situations can be dealt with similarly.

Each person needs to do what they believe to be the best for their own life and their own peace of mind.

If your spouse is pursuing a divorce, we strongly urge you to seek legal counsel (get a lawyer).

If your spouse believes he/she wants a divorce and has a lawyer, you are completely out-manned and are at great risk.

Be prepared for the person you used to know in your spouse to change greatly.

Many times the spouse who wants a divorce becomes an absolute monster, often under the direction of their lawyer.

Your willingness to cooperate or let your leaving spouse have whatever they want will not help you save your marriage.

Showing self respect, especially in matters of ensuring that child custody and other matters are fair to you as well if the divorce does happen, is actually the most attractive thing you could do.

Rolling over and being taken advantage of or financially ruined is not attractive and will only make you look less desirable.

Troubled marriage? Get Coach Lee’s Free Mini-Course To Save Your Marriage!

Sincerely,

Coach Lee

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