Why Married People Have The Best Sex, According To Psychotherapist


Don’t waste your time trying to ‘rekindle the magic’


Rom-coms would have us believe that our main goal in life should be finding ‘the one.’ And once you’ve found them, you have to pin them down by tying the knot.

And that’s usually where the story ends. But what happens after you walk down the aisle and say your vows?

Society may have us believe that all the passion will drain away from your relationship, but it turns out getting married could actually lead to the best sex of your life.

According to psychotherapist and couples’ sex expert Esther Perel, marriage is when your sex life really begins.

“[Your sex life] doesn’t end when you take your vows,” she told audiences at last month’s Goop wellness summit. “This is when the story starts.”

Whilst in the early stages of a relationship, sex is often spontaneous, Perel says after marriage it becomes more of a “creative enterprise,” but that’s no bad thing.

Many couples believe it’s essential to try and “rekindle the flame” or “recapture the magic” of when they first got together, but Perel believes that’s an error, even though “the romantic ideology is tenacious,” she says.

The fact of the matter is, it’s impossible to recreate the feelings you both had when first getting to know each other, so it’s a waste of time trying. full story

Limerence Has Its Purpose But Can’t Be Reclaimed

Limerence is a state of being “madly in love’ to the point that it becomes obsessive and affects the way a person feels, acts, and thinks.

Many of us experienced this “state of being,” before marrying our spouse. It’s a good thing, according to relationship expert because it puts intense focus on the other person for a time so that marriage, children, and close attachment can happen.

If we didn’t feel the intense feelings associated with limerence, we might not be motivated enough to marry that person.

But limerence with your spouse is basically a one-time event.

It doesn’t come back for that person after it’s run its course.

So we should be realistic and understand that chasing it is futile, will likely lead to frustration, and could lead to affairs where limerence is being chased instead of a person or love.

Rather, we should focus on the positives of marriage that cannot occur in purely limerence-based relationships. Those positives include commitment, memories, family, future, “home,” and better sex than most single people experience.


Because married people often become experts at sexually satisfying their spouse.

Practice can make perfect and, in the case of marriage, sex usually becomes more sophisticated and complex compared to sex between non-married individuals.

So embrace the power of married sex and don’t chase the temporary highs of limerence.

ALSO SEE: Sexual Rejection’s Effect On A Marriage

Coach Lee
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Coach Lee

Coach Lee helps people save marriages from divorce. No matter the situation, there is hope with the appropriate response. Rely on Lee's 22 years of experience in working with couples in troubled relationships.

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